Thursday, November 12, 2009

"She's Not a Ho... Anymore"

Hoes. What an interesting topic of discussion. They're everywhere, and everyone knows that they're hoes except for them, right? Well, not necessarily...

I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine who brought up the importance of someone's sexual past. His overall question was, basically, how important is it if a girl slept with a lot of guys in her past? And is it worth wifing up a chick that was a ho at some point in her life? I thought those were both valid questions, and we shared our views back and forth. But, since none of you were able to eavesdrop on our conversation (unless you stole my IP address), I will share our conclusions here.

The topic of hoes is nothing new to Red Light, Green Light; about a year ago, I dedicated a blogcast to discussing hoes (click here). Then, about four months back, I shared a blogcast with some friends in which the topic of hoes was raised once more (click here). But I think what sets this post apart is the notion of actually taking a ho seriously.

First off, how do we even know that a girl is a ho? Most of what we hear are rumors, anyway. Some are true, but most are exaggerated. For instance, if a girl sleeps with three different football players, the story usually somehow becomes that the girl let the entire offensive line run a train on her. You see what I mean? Little of what you hear should ever be taken for face value.

On the flip side, what if that stuff actually is true? Do you wanna be the guy who makes the train conductor your wifey? Probably not.

I think it's safe to assume that no one wants to date a ho or a former ho. But now, that raises two subsequent questions. First off, are there such things are former hoes? Is it possible for a girl who was once a ho to change her ways? Personally, I would argue yes. Everyone makes mistakes, whether they be sexual or otherwise. Some learn from those mistakes, others do not. But to judge someone for the rest of their lives based on a phase they went through is somewhat unfair. So yes, I do believe in ho reform.

The second question - and, really, the most important one - is, why are we so scared to get into a relationship and find out that our girlfriend used to be a ho? Are we really that judgmental? To this second question, I would also argue yes. And no. See, it's complicated. I think that, yes, there are certain men who want every girl they date to be as clean as a whistle with no dirty laundry to be found (even if the man himself was a ho for half his life, but I'll save the Double Standard Discussion for another day). But I think that the large majority of men who worry about a girl's sexual past don't really care themselves, but instead are worried about what other people will think.

Let's be honest here: As men, we like to showcase our women. We like to introduce a lady friend to our homeboys so that they can tell us, "Wow! She's great! I really like her, and she's gorgeous! I can't believe you pulled that off! You're the man now, dog!" But what if our friends know she used to be a ho? How proud are we then? Even worse, what if one of our friends slept with her??

Personally, I would never enter a relationship with a girl my friend banged. I might hook up with her, whatever whatever, but I'm never going to be able to take her seriously. If she wants me to wife her, she better keep that a secret and pray to the almighty heavens that I never find out.

Above all, I think one of the main factors that men consider when we enter relationships with a woman is homeboy approval. Yes, it's right up there with actual compatibility. If we fear that our friends will never accept you as a quality girlfriend, there are very slim chances that you'll ever become one. And we know it works the same with women. That's why a smart man always makes sure he's on his girl's friends' good side. Because if the homegirls don't like you, they'll talk about you. And we already know how that winds up...

So, in conclusion, I think what my friend and I ultimately decided was that a girl's sexual past really doesn't matter that much. it's all in what you know. A girl could have been a major ho in high school, but if you met her in college after she suddenly transformed into a good girl, you'd be none the wiser. And really, would you want to know she used to be a ho? I doubt it. It's a reputation thing above all else. We don't want to know the dirty little secrets, because they would taint the image we've built. And trust, EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet. But we don't want to know about them, and we want to make sure our friends don't know about them, either.

In the end, it's just like they say in that old cliche: Ignorance is bliss.


udee said...

Pre-occupation with a person's past is rather limiting. It's either you come to terms with the extent of imperfection - regardless what pple say ... or if her past annoys you way too much, dumb her and go on seeking your Virgin Mary.

Mind you, skeletons always find a way of making out of the stuffy closet. Find the strength to deal and heal or dont.

And what qualifies a 'ho' anyway? How many pple would a girl have to sleep with to make the cut? I mean what if the girl slept with three pple in her life and a strange twist of fate causes those 3 guys to meet later on in life and become awesome friends (and mind you, sh'e already been dating Friend 3 for several serious months - this situ is not as uncommon as one may want to think)? So what then, she gets tainted a 'ho' cos she 'smashed the homies'?

How short-sighted we are!

Jay said...

If u smash honors whether by accident or not just kno it isn't within ur power to stay wit a dude. Disclose that fact an move on and find a partner u didn't smash his boyz. I think the number to classifying a hoe isn't a number but a perception. One guy might think 3 one might think 20 watever that number is, it's about meeting expectations and if u can't meet em o well. A hoe is only classified as wat u hear n pass on, someone whispers n tells u she's a hoe n the story keeps going. That how it happens, if the story is never told then u never was a ho. Lol

Anonymous said...

I def agree that a womans sexual past shouldn't be a limit to who she can date and who should want to date her but its a reality that takes place all the tyme...honestly a question that was raised in my head while reading this do u deal with finding out after u wife a girl that she was a "ho" do u let it go or do u leave her high and dry ???

Anonymous said...

"Danger! She smashed the homies!" We've all heard that at some point in time. I unfortunately speak as one who has been referred to as a hoe before. This brings in question what qualifies or quantifies a "hoe." Sleeping with multiple men at the same time? Hooking up with a group of people that are close friends? Having a train run on you? Having a sexual count higher then the number of years you've been having sex? If any of those would qualify being a hoe, then I am not one. But by other people's standard's..sleeping with at athlete at any point in time, whether in a committed relationship (or as committed as you can get with a college relationship) or are a hoe.

Proud of it? No. Regret my decisions? No. As you said before, most of it is exaggerated. But to every lie there is some truth, whether it be big or small. Reflecting back on what happened, I would say that in a way I was most definitely tricked, hoodwinked and bamboozled into thinking I was in "relationships," with these people; or at least heading there. Ending in great balls of fire, collapsing and taking down everything with it I moved on...and on...and on. Being a true "romantic" and hoping that everyone is as honest and open as I was I fell into the same situation multiple times.

I have been in a relationship with someone, who I found out later I was dating someone he knew. I told him outright, and we discussed it. On one end, he could be thinking "Aw man..dude smashed her..I don't want her" or realize that he would be getting more from me than the dude in the past ever world. In the end he realized that and we made it work.

I wouldn't call myself a reformed hoe, because I was never a hoe. I didn't sleep with anybody and everybody...not everyone got my number or knows where I live. The guys I did sleep with can't even call me a hoe, because they know better than that. It's simply the outside perception.

As of now others might say "I've changed." I don't go out as much, and my focus is in a different area of my life. I still date...that has not stopped, I've just learned that my business is my business, and things sound worse the more you talk about them and people's imaginations can run wildly.